What A Day

We're on a 4/10 work schedule right now, so today is my Friday--and thank goodness for it. Today has been a whirlwind. It's the last day that our office is open before a huge deadline and we've gotten nothing but call after call after call asking "Is my stuff sent? It's not showing up." It seems like everyone I've talked to today is frantic in some way and the emotional contagion has really affected me. We had an individual whose records were being held incorrectly, too, and it was an absolute fiasco trying to get it fixed, an all day affair that my supervisor and I have been trying to deal with since something like 11:00am this morning. And the issue wasn't even our office's fault. It was another department that royally messed up. All I can say is that I am so grateful that today is my Friday. I have no idea what I'll be doing this weekend, but at least I'll have some time to decompress. Between deadlines and projects at work and emotional situations at home, I'm just pooped and my confidence is just shot.

I'm at a point where I'm functioning, but I'm not thriving. I'm able to get to work and cook dinner and do the day-to-day things, but  my relationship with Husband is having some rocky bits. Please don't get me wrong, we're getting along really well and we have an extremely close friendship, but right now I'm having issues communicating how I'm feeling and expressing what I need. And when I do and I try and be proactive to help things, I just feel like an absolute failure. Thank god Husband is my anchor or I would have drifted away already. He doesn't know this (or if he does he's trying to give me privacy with it), but last night after a really bad attempt at trying to make things better I just gave up. I had managed to get myself into the shower and bathed and whatever, but afterward I just couldn't bring myself to face him. I was too ashamed, so I just curled up in a ball on the shower floor and laid there until I realized that I still had chores to do around the house. If I didn't do them, then I was just going to suffer for it later, so I had to basically pull myself up by my bootstraps and try to carry on. I am so ashamed and so insecure with some of the things going on in my life right now, though, that I'm just a wreck on the inside.

The only thing that I feel like I've got down really well right now is the fact that I have meals planned out for the next week or so and overall the meals are pretty healthy. I think part of the reason I'm feeling so bad right now is because I've let my weight creep up again and it's really affecting how I look and think about myself, so I'm actually doing something about it which is making me feel much more empowered. I haven't been perfect about it, but I have been logging my food and when Husband and I went grocery shopping last night, we bought a ton of healthy foods--lots of fruits and veggies. Today I was able to resist temptation by going out to a potluck and not eating anything bad. I came back with some cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, but no dip, so it felt really good. And the control freak in me is grateful to have something to hold onto. Tonight, I have no idea what I'm going to make for dinner, but at least I know that when I go home I'll be able to whip up something without too much trouble. This weekend I'm hoping to try a new crockpot recipe, too, so that should make things easier food-prep wise should I need the break.

For now and this evening, though, my plan is to just try and relax. If that means hiding in the bedroom all evening while I read, then so be it. Husband is one of my top priorities, but if I'm not taking care of myself then I have no idea how I'll be able to support him. He's put himself up for a new job, by the way and if all goes well then our lives could be changed pretty dramatically for the better. I'll post more when I have more information, but just wanted to put it out there.