We're on a 4/10 work schedule right now, so today is my Friday--and thank goodness for it. Today has been a whirlwind. It's the last day that our office is open before a huge deadline and we've gotten nothing but call after call after call asking "Is my stuff sent? It's not showing up." It seems like everyone I've talked to today is frantic in some way and the emotional contagion has really affected me. We had an individual whose records were being held incorrectly, too, and it was an absolute fiasco trying to get it fixed, an all day affair that my supervisor and I have been trying to deal with since something like 11:00am this morning. And the issue wasn't even our office's fault. It was another department that royally messed up. All I can say is that I am so grateful that today is my Friday. I have no idea what I'll be doing this weekend, but at least I'll have some time to decompress. Between deadlines and projects at work and emotional situations at home, I'm just pooped and my confidence is just shot.
I'm at a point where I'm functioning, but I'm not thriving. I'm able to get to work and cook dinner and do the day-to-day things, but my relationship with Husband is having some rocky bits. Please don't get me wrong, we're getting along really well and we have an extremely close friendship, but right now I'm having issues communicating how I'm feeling and expressing what I need. And when I do and I try and be proactive to help things, I just feel like an absolute failure. Thank god Husband is my anchor or I would have drifted away already. He doesn't know this (or if he does he's trying to give me privacy with it), but last night after a really bad attempt at trying to make things better I just gave up. I had managed to get myself into the shower and bathed and whatever, but afterward I just couldn't bring myself to face him. I was too ashamed, so I just curled up in a ball on the shower floor and laid there until I realized that I still had chores to do around the house. If I didn't do them, then I was just going to suffer for it later, so I had to basically pull myself up by my bootstraps and try to carry on. I am so ashamed and so insecure with some of the things going on in my life right now, though, that I'm just a wreck on the inside.
The only thing that I feel like I've got down really well right now is the fact that I have meals planned out for the next week or so and overall the meals are pretty healthy. I think part of the reason I'm feeling so bad right now is because I've let my weight creep up again and it's really affecting how I look and think about myself, so I'm actually doing something about it which is making me feel much more empowered. I haven't been perfect about it, but I have been logging my food and when Husband and I went grocery shopping last night, we bought a ton of healthy foods--lots of fruits and veggies. Today I was able to resist temptation by going out to a potluck and not eating anything bad. I came back with some cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, but no dip, so it felt really good. And the control freak in me is grateful to have something to hold onto. Tonight, I have no idea what I'm going to make for dinner, but at least I know that when I go home I'll be able to whip up something without too much trouble. This weekend I'm hoping to try a new crockpot recipe, too, so that should make things easier food-prep wise should I need the break.
For now and this evening, though, my plan is to just try and relax. If that means hiding in the bedroom all evening while I read, then so be it. Husband is one of my top priorities, but if I'm not taking care of myself then I have no idea how I'll be able to support him. He's put himself up for a new job, by the way and if all goes well then our lives could be changed pretty dramatically for the better. I'll post more when I have more information, but just wanted to put it out there.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
26.2
I completed my first marathon on Sunday and I have openly admitted to people that I am disappointed with how everything happened. Originally when I signed up for Rock N Roll San Diego back in July 2016, the person I was supposed to do it with was in shape and was continuing to train for the event. She stopped training something like a month later and on Sunday I got stuck with the consequences of someone who had no idea what they were doing and had absolutely zero understanding of what she had gotten herself into.
It was honestly a terrible experience and I am so disappointed with the fact that I had to walk almost 26.2 miles because someone else made bad decisions. And it wasn't like I could have left. She never would have made it and we would have had to wait the entire time for her to get the sag wagon back to the finish line anyway. So instead of leaving her and doing something that was beneficial for me both mentally and physically (all the walking caused me to have hamstring injuries), I walked for SEVEN HOURS with someone who whined and literally whimpered over the last six to seven miles.
Flat out, it sucked. It fucking sucked. I could have gotten in at least an hour faster if I had been solo. I would have had more fun. I would have been so much more positive because I was prepared mentally for what was in store. Miles 21-23 were up a brutal hill, but Miles 23-25 were downhill. We walked the entire downhill. She complained the entire time. It finally got to the point where I just stopped listening to the bullshit and cranked my music up.
I knew that her feet hurt. My feet hurt, too. I knew that her back hurt. She wouldn't shut up about it. I knew that she was tired. I was tired of walking so slowly through the course. And I was bored. You didn't hear me complain, though. No, I was the peppy motivator despite having blood blisters on my feet and despite having pull hamstring muscles. (To be precise, the MD that helped me at a medical tent said that my hamstrings would pull away from the bone if I continued moving the way I was. It was from the walking.) I didn't complain about all of the chafing that I was feeling, either. My arms and chest got rubbed pretty good, but my neck took the brunt of it. We leave for the Bahamas on Thursday and a huge portion of my neck is now trying to get infected. Not cute and not good.
The thing that is bothering me the most about this entire situation, though, is that I don't feel like I accomplished anything by walking. I don't feel like I should be proud of anything that I did on Sunday except for the fact that I didn't kill anyone out of frustration. I already threw my medal into my "medal box" of race mementos that I'll never look at again. It means nothing to me. Wearing my finisher jacket doesn't feel special.
And to be honest and not just be a negative Nelly, there were times during the race that I had some fun. Races for me are generally fun. The bands were spot-on and they were playing songs that I absolutely loved. And I had great music on my iPod, too, so in places where bands weren't playing I was totally rocking out. The weather couldn't have been more perfect and I am extremely grateful for that since we were on the course for so long. My mom cheered us on at the finish. That part was magical. And best of all was the chocolate milk at the end. Lots and lots of chocolate milk.
In September I will officially decide if I plan on redeeming my marathon race. I've heard amazing things about the LA Marathon, so I'd likely do it there in March 2018. And honestly, I think that I'm going to do it. Participating in a full was not that bad in terms of the miles. I can definitely do it again. It's just a matter of the venue. I don't think Rock N Roll is the best race for me, but LAM is considered one of the best in the country. I'm willing to try it. (And my mom is considering going for a full now, too!)
It was honestly a terrible experience and I am so disappointed with the fact that I had to walk almost 26.2 miles because someone else made bad decisions. And it wasn't like I could have left. She never would have made it and we would have had to wait the entire time for her to get the sag wagon back to the finish line anyway. So instead of leaving her and doing something that was beneficial for me both mentally and physically (all the walking caused me to have hamstring injuries), I walked for SEVEN HOURS with someone who whined and literally whimpered over the last six to seven miles.
Flat out, it sucked. It fucking sucked. I could have gotten in at least an hour faster if I had been solo. I would have had more fun. I would have been so much more positive because I was prepared mentally for what was in store. Miles 21-23 were up a brutal hill, but Miles 23-25 were downhill. We walked the entire downhill. She complained the entire time. It finally got to the point where I just stopped listening to the bullshit and cranked my music up.
I knew that her feet hurt. My feet hurt, too. I knew that her back hurt. She wouldn't shut up about it. I knew that she was tired. I was tired of walking so slowly through the course. And I was bored. You didn't hear me complain, though. No, I was the peppy motivator despite having blood blisters on my feet and despite having pull hamstring muscles. (To be precise, the MD that helped me at a medical tent said that my hamstrings would pull away from the bone if I continued moving the way I was. It was from the walking.) I didn't complain about all of the chafing that I was feeling, either. My arms and chest got rubbed pretty good, but my neck took the brunt of it. We leave for the Bahamas on Thursday and a huge portion of my neck is now trying to get infected. Not cute and not good.The thing that is bothering me the most about this entire situation, though, is that I don't feel like I accomplished anything by walking. I don't feel like I should be proud of anything that I did on Sunday except for the fact that I didn't kill anyone out of frustration. I already threw my medal into my "medal box" of race mementos that I'll never look at again. It means nothing to me. Wearing my finisher jacket doesn't feel special.
And to be honest and not just be a negative Nelly, there were times during the race that I had some fun. Races for me are generally fun. The bands were spot-on and they were playing songs that I absolutely loved. And I had great music on my iPod, too, so in places where bands weren't playing I was totally rocking out. The weather couldn't have been more perfect and I am extremely grateful for that since we were on the course for so long. My mom cheered us on at the finish. That part was magical. And best of all was the chocolate milk at the end. Lots and lots of chocolate milk.
In September I will officially decide if I plan on redeeming my marathon race. I've heard amazing things about the LA Marathon, so I'd likely do it there in March 2018. And honestly, I think that I'm going to do it. Participating in a full was not that bad in terms of the miles. I can definitely do it again. It's just a matter of the venue. I don't think Rock N Roll is the best race for me, but LAM is considered one of the best in the country. I'm willing to try it. (And my mom is considering going for a full now, too!)
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