Insecurities

The horrific attack on Manchester yesterday has me reeling. How someone could ever even consider hurting another human being intentionally is beyond me. And it makes me really, really scared. I work in an industry that has been targeted by terrible violence before and I work in a part of the building that interfaces with a lot of angry people and a lot of people who I have to say no to. Husband is in the same boat. It's always in the back of our minds that one or both of us may not make it home each day. We have plans in place in case something happens on property while we're at work. We're in our mid-twenties and we're trying to decide if we need wills. The answer is probably yes. And then there's the other things going on right now, too. Our current political climate in particular is a big one and as silly as it seems, I'm always on edge when I go out alone on my runs or when I don't know somebody nearby when I'm at a race. What if something happens?

And there's the uncertainty of what might be going on with my current position. I applied for a promotion earlier in the month and was selected for a first round interview, but I don't think that I did well enough to progress to the final selection part of the process. Financially, we're fine and I have done my best to maintain a level head about the whole thing, not get my hopes up, but I won't lie and say that I'm a little dismayed about the situation. $400 more a month in take home pay would have been amazing.

With all that being said, though, things right now are still positive. Yesterday, I had conversations with two amazing and beautiful people who somehow knew exactly what to say to me at exactly the right time that I needed to hear it.

With one person, a coworker, I found out that she had the same illness that I do. For the first time since my diagnosis I was able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I had/have/will go through for the rest of my life. I didn't feel alone in what I was experiencing everyday for the first time since my diagnosis. And to see someone who I respected so much prior to ever knowing her situation made me realize that I am not necessarily defined by this part of my life. Yes, it's a part of me, but it doesn't have to define me and be the basis of my self worth.

And then after work I reached out to an online friend who has been going through some things offline. We ended up talking for almost two hours through Facebook Messenger. She reminded me that there are always friends to reach out to and that many of they either have or are experiencing the same things I'm going through. We pledged to start taking care of ourselves better and to rely on each other when we needed support. Having the accountability is huge and today I vowed to start logging my food again, drink more water, and do some sort of exercise every day.

I'm glad this particular conversation happened when it did, too, because I really need to start paying more attention to myself. At a recent half marathon I had to use my inhaler three times. Most of the time I have to use it once in any given race. Fast forward to last night and I'm still having some issues with my asthma. And it could be related to my weight because I've gained five pounds since February, but I'm not 100% sure that five pounds could make such a difference. I was at 153. Today I'm at 158.4. Could that little really be affecting my lungs that much? I used to run when I was 180 and I don't recall ever having issues like this, so I think it might be something else. My best guess at this point is that it's nutrition related.

With Husband's blessing, I'm going to purge the house of junk food that I can eat. He can eat it, but I need it out of my life. I'm a cold turkey kind of person. I'm either all in or all out. Even the soda is going as sad at that makes me right now. Going back to insecurities, this whole this is making me nervous, but I know that in the end it will all be for the best.